Absolution
by thunderbird5
Summary: Something's wrong with John and Gordon decides to find out exactly what's wrong with his brother. My entry for the Tracy Island Writer's Forum 2014 Pick-a-Prompt Challenge.


Thanks to TB's LMC for helping me with this story. 

**Disclaimer:** How I wish the boys were mine. But no, they belong to someone else. 

"John. John? Hey! Are you listening to me?" 

I didn't realize that Gordon was talking to me. Embarrassed, I looked away from the window I was currently standing at. "Sorry, what was that you just said?" I could see that he was watching me, worry etched on his face. "Why don't we go somewhere else?" 

I knew that he wanted me to talk to him the same way my brothers would always talk to me about whatever was on their minds. I went down the hall away from the lounge. Gordon fell in behind me, quietly keeping up with me. "Where are we going?" he asked. 

As soon as we reached the stairs I went up to the second floor of the Villa where my room was. When the door opened automatically, I waited for Gordon to enter first. Once inside I went over to my bed and sat down on it, allowing Gordon to decide where he would sit. He walked over to my windows and opened the curtains just enough so that the setting sun could flood my room with a bright orange glow. Sitting down on my desk chair, he gave me a goofy smile. "With the sun like that behind you, your hair looks like it's glowing." 

I couldn't help but smile back at him. "Yeah, and you look like someone has taken a match to your head." Gordon laughed, but I couldn't find enough mirth to join in. "I guess that I haven't been all here lately, have I?" 

Shaking his head, Gordon looked straight at me. "Nope, and you're not doing the things you love to do, so something must be on your mind and I want to know what it is." 

I knew that someone would corner me one of these days. What I didn't expect, though, was that it would be my redheaded brother. Moving myself until I was against my bed's headboard, I wondered where I should start. "Remember that weekend a few months ago, the rescue at The Cliffs of Moher in County Clare, Ireland?" When he nodded, I continued. "Well, something happened that weekend, something that seems like it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life." 

I could see that I had my brother's attention. 

"Remember the girl with the brown hair, the one from London?" I hesitated, because giving voice to it would make it even more real than it already was. "She died because of me." 

I knew that if I didn't tell someone exactly what happened that day, I would be eaten from the inside out by the guilt that I felt each time I was reminded of that young girl. When I see my brothers climb the cliff face here on the island or whenever they've had to go out on a rescue where rock climbing is part of it, the whole thing always comes back to me like it happened yesterday. "Gordon, she was so scared that she lost her mind. She wanted to jump." 

"Why?" he asked. 

"I had started her way, you know, to get her to safety. When she saw me she yelled at me to stay where I was; that she wouldn't let me any closer. It didn't make sense to me at all, I mean, I was there to help her not to push her over the edge." 

Gordon's eyes were watching me, watching my hands shake. But he stayed quiet. "I didn't have any rock climbing equipment with me since I was on my way to _Thunderbird Two_ to help Virgil with some folks who spoke Italian. He was having a hard time understanding them." 

Closing my eyes, I calmed myself down enough to talk again. 

"I asked her name. She said it was Molly. I tried to ask her what happened before we arrived to rescue them." 

For a moment I saw her face full of fear as she fell backwards over the edge. I could feel myself grow pale as it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

"She told me to stop asking questions, that I was trying to talk to her so that I could come closer and push her over. I told her it wasn't true, that I wouldn't do that to her. I explained that I was there to take her to safety. That's when the edge where she was standing gave way and…and she fell." 

I was shaking now. It felt like I was back there all over again. "I don't know how I got to the edge so fast but suddenly I had her hand in mine." 

I felt so overwhelmed by it all but pressed on. 

"I could feel myself slipping, Gordon. I had nothing to hold on to or to dig my boots into. I told Molly to keep still for me. She didn't even try to fight me off. I guess she knew that I was telling the truth after all." 

Gordon got up from the chair, sat down on my bed and moved until he was sitting right next to me. "She fell, though, didn't she?" 

I looked down at my hands as if they would continue my story so my voice wouldn't have to. "Yes, she fell. I knew I had to keep absolutely still. I had already tried to move myself backwards away from the edge but every move I made caused the ground to break away even more." 

I never cry…that is, if I can help it. But the emotions I felt right at that moment were overpowering me. Sadness. Anger. Loss. "I couldn't reach my watch. I tried and nearly went over the edge myself. Molly was becoming too heavy and her hand was slowly slipping out of mine. She begged me not to let go, not to let her fall. I promised that I wouldn't let go of her. But when I tried one more time to pull her up again, her hand slipped." I felt my eyes burning. "I watched Molly fall to her death. I know similar things have happened before, but…there was just…" 

Jumping off the bed in one swift move, I quickly walked out onto the balcony. Looking toward the cliffs of the island I saw Molly falling over and over again. I didn't realize that Gordon had followed me out and was talking to me until he forcefully turned me around to face him. "John, look at me will you?" 

My eyes moved to his. 

"Molly didn't die because of you. I know you know that. You tried to hold on to her, tried to pull her back up knowing that you might end up going over the edge right along with her. You said yourself that you couldn't dig into the ground with your boots, that you couldn't reach your watch. Calling us wouldn't have helped anyway; we wouldn't have been able to get there in time to save her." 

"I know it wasn't my fault, logically. But why do I feel that I could have done something more, that I should have been able to save her?" 

Letting go of my arms at last, Gordon walked up to the railing on my left side. "Let's just say that I know the feeling, John. I know what it's like to lose someone after making a promise to them that you'll keep them safe. I've seen many people die…many because I simply couldn't help them all. You can't save everyone, John, even if you want to. Sure, you had Molly right there with you. I know that you think if only she had listened, if only you could have just run up to her and dragged her away from the edge…the point is you tried, John, and you have to remember that. We all do, every damn time we go out." 

It's not that I didn't know all that on my own…after all, we've been doing this long enough that we've all suffered through losing people we're nose-to-nose with, let alone holding hands with. But every now and then it's nice to get it off your chest. To talk about it with someone who understands. "I just wish I could stop seeing her fall every time I look at the sides of our volcano." 

Gordon had a thoughtful expression on his face. "Let's go to those cliffs together. See what happens." 

A week passed after that conversation. We managed to get Dad to let us make the trip back to where Molly died. It was definitely beautiful up there. And you couldn't even see where the ground had given way. My eyes roamed over everything except down to the rocks below where Molly had met her death. Gordon handed me the flowers we'd picked up at the airport. I walked over to the guard rail while he stayed put. For a few minutes I didn't look down or to my left or right, I only stared straight ahead. Finally I started to talk. 

"Molly, I'm sorry you died here. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you; that I couldn't hold onto your hand. I broke my promise to you, didn't I?" 

I swallowed hard, letting the flowers dangle over the railing, feeling like I just couldn't find my voice. But finally I whispered, "I hope you can forgive me, Molly. May you rest in peace." 

Letting the flowers go, I watched them as they fell to the rocks below. Gordon gave me a one-armed hug, and I smiled. "Thank you." 

Letting me go, Gordon turned to head back to the car. "You're welcome."


End file.
